So here’s a collection of thoughts I had while reading James Patterson’s book Zoo, which we recently reviewed on Booked. You can get that episode… right… HERE!
Chapter 2: “A 4 year stint in the US Army before college”. No chance that’s gonna come up later.
Chapter 5: A guy who thinks animals are starting a war with people lives with a chimpanzee in New York City. Check.
Chapter 7: of course he has an iPhone, a neurologist nymphomaniac hot girlfriend, and a pet monkey. You know, a protagonist we can all identify with.
Chapter 10: Of course the unemployed scientist drop-out can afford a $3,000 plane ride to Africa. Grandpa died and left him a trust.
Chapter 11: AIDS joke.
Chapter 12: Got dumped by his girlfriend. Atleast now he can get that AIDS.
Chapter 13: Calls his African friend a racist. After describing him as “crude as oil”. UPDATE: my bad, african friend may be white.
Chapter 14: Nice skydiving humble-brag: “Rent a Plane?” I said. “I hope you know how to fly one, because I only know how to jump out of them.”
protag: Who needs the Discovery Channel?
me: Everybody who can’t afford a $3,000 plane ticket, asshole.
Chapter 16: I get it now. This is The Happening, but instead of plants, it’s animals who are killing humans. M Knight! I think we have a sequel on our hands!
Chapter 20: Not even ⅓ into the book and 2 guys are taking on 2 dozen human-murder-crazy lions. No matter what the result, I am pre-calling bullshit.
Chapter 22: After rescuing his friend from the MOUTH OF A LION, he kills said friend with his poor driving skills. Then escapes from lions by swimming.
Chapter 23: Alone in the wilds of Botswana with a pack of human-murder-crazy lions after you, you still have time to first-world-problem the fact that you can’t get AT&T reception on your jailbroken iPhone. IN AFRICA.
Chapter 27: Newly single and stranded in Africa? Save a French girl from crocodiles, then strip naked with ants all over your body.
Chapter 29: French chick is a scientist too. She’s got a bird theory like our protag’s lion theory. I’ve got a ‘they’re-gonna-fuck” theory.
Chapter 30: Someone saw that Oz had a camera. So obviously they must have known that he had footage of lions attacking humans in an unnatural way, and (in the name of saving the tourism industry) called the police (the same ones who were considering EVACUATING THE DELTA) to stop him, giving him his full name and nickname.
Chapter 31: “Sometimes I forgot to step back and look at how nut-jobby I could seem.” except for the time that you called yourself crazy EVERY CHAPTER so far.
Chapter 32: The pet chimp does a Silence Of The Lambs style shit attack on the hottie ex-gf. Serves her right. She had that stink palm coming.
Chapter 34: The protagonist is upset that, in America, we spend too much time celebrating untalented people who contribute nothing of substance to society. In a JAMES PATTERSON book. Douche chill…
Chapter 36: Nerd party. Really bad slang used. Literally fell asleep.
Chapter 39: Apparently, if you don’t fuck, you dream about bears murdering you in a hotel in Washington DC.
Chapter 50: REALLY? 5 years later!?
Chapter 51: When your monkey kills your girlfriend and runs away, you knock up a French girl and skip ahead in time 5 years.
Chapter 55: When your dog bites your hand, you hide in a closet like a pussy.
Chapter 56: A flying pitbull?
Chapter 58: If they find a more absurd way for animals to murder humans, I may start to admire this book. I may also regret saying this. Dolphins.
Chapter 61: Title meaning is revealed. And it’s LAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMEEE.
Chapter 63: They remade that scene in Matrix 2 in Zion, where they have the sweaty rave orgy. But with dogs. In a sewer.
Chapter 64: When a giant pack of wolves is chasing you, you cross a rickety bridge and hope they are afraid of crossing the bridge too. Any bets on whether the wolves cross the bridge?
Chapter 65: They crossed the bridge.
Chapter 66: Fail for 5 years to figure out why animals are attacking humans, the Army rewards you with a multi-million dollar condo on Times Square.
Chapter 67: Yep. Pollution and Cell Phones are causing animals to attack us.
me: so, pollution + cell radiation = pheremone?
book: No! (well, yes), but really it = CRITICAL BIOSPHERE MELTDOWN.
me: oh. But you just said-
book: Critical. Biosphere. Meltdown.
me: the whole chapter-
book: ::Stern gaze::.
Chapter 70: Cut to India, where a bumpkin cop is gutted by a leopard. Someone must have been reading this and thought: This isn’t World War Z enough.
Chapter 71: Good. There’s still iPhones in 2017. And Skype.
Chapter 72: Why does the protag know what a Gulf Stream 650 is? AH! This must be the chapter that James Patterson wrote.
me: so the animals are attacking us because we stink?
me: isn’t this like the opposite of The Hap-
book: Critical. Biosphere. Meltdown.
me: yeah yeah…
Chapter 75: Hardison 2016. First female president. Also first dog-murdering president, i’m assuming.
Chapter 76: “He’s trying to keep his eyeballs from rolling out of their sockets.” You and me both, buddy.
Chapter 81: When your girlfriend-killing monkey returns, it will be with a swarm of rats and dogs, to eat your hot French wife and your baby.
Chapter 83: Huh. BlackBerry still exists in 2017. Hear that RIM?
Chapter 84: Yes, he explains the science again. Which is great, because it had been a couple chapters since i’d heard it.
Chapter 87: “Human zombies to join the 4-legged ones. Anything is possible.” the fuck are you talking about?
Chapter 88: Good. The President explains the science.